I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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