You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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