I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
