Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
