While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
