having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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