I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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