I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he puts the penis in happiness.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
