Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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