im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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