I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
