I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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