from now on my penis is your penis
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm having to shit out rocks
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
