How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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