I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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