I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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