there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
