My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
