i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
