Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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