You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
