i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
