Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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