Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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