billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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