Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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