Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Someone shit on the floor
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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