My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
