I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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