apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
