apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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