Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
