Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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