Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
