He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
