I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
