pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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