And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
