Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
