I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
