I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
