I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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