Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
