This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.