Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.