I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
