just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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