somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
