running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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