Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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