I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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