That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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