why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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