He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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