nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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