wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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