A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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