My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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