if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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