Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
a search helicopter?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
